Wednesday, May 28, 2008
"Will that thing be back there the whole time?" "I'll use this weapon on that devil-horse if I have to." "They look like they could strike at any moment. You sure it's not a bear or a puma?"
Monday, May 26, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I was thinking today about Rhonda - she was my best friend growing up and she went to a Church of Christ that seemed really weird to me because they didn’t have any instruments and almost all the people who went there were very old. When I would spend the night at her house we’d go to her church the next morning and have Sunday school in the musty freaky basement with lots of flannel graphs and pictures from the ‘50s of white European Jesus. This bald old man taught Sunday school, his name was Blondie and he told outrageous stories. One thing he loved to say all the time was "There are thousands of people lying in bed right now regretting what they did last night." He also liked to say that Baskin-Robbins was a good place for us to hang out because it was bright and had lots of light, and the bowling alley was a bad place because it was all dark. My very favorite is when he told us "You boys and girls are really lucky to have the mommies and daddies that you have, because there are lots of boys and girls out there whose parents go out and drink alcoholic beverages, and they come home and get the little children out of bed and line them up against the wall and say…" - he held up an imaginary gun, his arms quivering - "...'I’M GONNA SHOOT Y’ALL!'"
I swear that I am not exaggerating or making any of this up one bit.
Hey...pants for dogs.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
2. These Loeffler Randall sandals make my mouth water and they're on eBay right now but the bidding starts at $485 and I sort of want to cry.
3. But I did find this book on "Marriage Hygiene" from 1934 for only $5. Yay eBay after all! I'm sort of obsessed with vintage health and hygiene books, and vintage cookbooks...don't know why.
3. I got this email today from Rhonda (aka Pie)
It made me smile because it's just like my grandaddy used to say, "That boy's too lazy to pull a greasy string out of a cat's ass."
* * * * *
Subject: remember to floss
Rocky our cat has a piece of what is believed to be dental floss hanging out of his butthole. I'm trying to convince Heath to pull it out but he won't concede.
* * * * *
4. The Miffy stop-animation is so adorable it makes me grit my teeth!
5. The kids on the beach this weekend were even more adorable-er.
6. I do look forward to the day when my daughter doesn't draw on our stuff with red lipstick. I love the combination of aqua and red, though. I predict it will be the new blue/brown.
[Backstory: Little Lolly was locked in the bathroom and would not come out. She sounded muffled: "Hi mommy. No. No I won't open the door." I got daddy on speakerphone and put the phone under the door to talk to her, she was still muffled. "Hi daddy! Nope. Sowwy." After half an hour of jiggling various metal pointy things in the lock I finally got it open and the little button was curled up in the corner under a towel with lipstick renderings all over the mirror...she knew how naughty she'd been.]
I used to go to this church in Dallas where one of the pastors was arrested a couple days ago for soliciting a 13 yr old girl for sex. And here is the head pastor's response in this video statement - he says things like "Our staff will always be of the highest character." ... "Our witness will be pure and strong in this community." "We've taken a big hit from the enemy this week but we will rise above." "we will continue to lift up the name of our lord jesus christ in a responsible way." DUDE! The whole point of being a christian at all is that you are NOT of the highest character! It means you suck and you know it and that's why you are a christian, cause you need help from something, anything! Your witness will NOT be pure in your community because you are HUMAN! It can NEVER be pure because YOU are not pure! Your witness should be that of "I suck and I need god's help." I hate hate hate this posturing of "we will try hard and we will be moral for the glory of god!" It makes me sooo mad because God doesn't want us doing good deeds everywhere if we don't know how much we need him. Their hubris makes my stomach hurt.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
This is random, but I'm taken with this floating staircase. Don't you want one?
This is what I overheard just now:
Shari: "Fox News says that beer rehydrates you better than water after a workout."I love my officemates.
Alecia: "Yeah, well...consider the source."
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
"The test was designed to give couples feedback on their marriages. Either husbands or wives could take the test, which rated wives in a variety of areas. For instance, if your wife "uses slang or profanity," she would get a score of five demerits. On the other hand, if she "reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress," she would receive 10 merits. The test taker would add up the total number of merits and demerits to receive a raw score, which would categorize the wife on a scale from "very poor" to "very superior."
The entire test is here.
**UPDATE** David and I took the whole test and scored each other and I got a 51 (average) and he got a 91! (very superior) He said "You know why that is though, compared to guys in 1939 I would be a fag. I do the dishes and help put the kids to bed. And you aren't like Beaver Cleaver's mom, you curse and gossip and fart on me and laugh about it."
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Simone is like an extended member of the family, except she's fun. Everyone clamors for her attention and company, Judah, Lolly, Davy & me. I sort of felt like the grouchy mommy half the time though since I was with my kids and had to reprimand and direct and clean and all that. I told her she was getting the full mommy experience because they wanted to 'play' first thing in the morning. David & Rich got back one night at 4 am and I heard the kids go into Rich's room at 7:30 am and play "In The Mood" at full volume on the synthesizer. I went in to rescue Rich just as Judah was putting his pinball game on Rich's chest with it making those ungodly pinball noises. So...official apology here to Rich & Simone. You are such good sports.
Lolly got a pecan stuck up her nose yesterday. David called me at work and I met him at the hospital. After wailing, bright lights and forceps, the pecan was out. She hollered another minute or so but then said "That didn't hurt at all!" and high-fived the doctor. Then we got ice cream. She is brave.
Here are some pictures from the weekend. Simone & Carrie are more fun than Taco Bell on the couch during a Real Housewives of NY marathon.
Reaction shot from "The Room"
Rich was here too. We love him. He doesn't look like a pastor, does he?
David & Phil.
Chet made this sign for his party
Chet & Flora are sweet
We went out for mothers day sushi.
I'm special. I need a helmet instead of a crown.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Today I was reprimanded for wearing jeans. I know the dress code says "no jeans" but I wore them because they are tailored Banana Republic jeans and less ratty than many things I see other people wearing. So after my reprimand today I went around the office and took a gander at what every one else was wearing. Here is what I saw:
-one cat sweatshirt
-one Hawaiian print shirt over a t-shirt that says "OINGO BOINGO"
-pleated khakis in abundance (ew, PLEATED? Have some self-respect!)
-exposed tattoos (supposedly against the dress code)
-skirts WITH white shoes and white socks. I mean, how much less professional (and less attractive) can you really make yourself?
Just my observations.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
So you know my favorite bad movie, "The Room", well here is an amazing interview done with its writer/director/producer/star, the inimitable Tommy Wiseau. Ryan said that Tommy "is like a cross between Ed Wood, Fabio, and something you would pull out of a shower drain." Watching this video gave me heart palpitations. He doesn't believe in rehearsals! That was not eneff emotion!
The quote of the day is brought to you by Simone. "I hope I can accept my kid's opinions. What will I do if they grow up to be Republicans who like bad music? Ugh. I don't know which is worse."
I'm going sort of heavy on the links today. Remember when people used to say HOTLINKS? Hahahahahaaa!!
He drew this Indian. (Can you say Indian anymore? Native American?) He is thinking about an arrow.
Here is his epitaph he did for is now-deceased fish, Jon.
He calls this one "The Dangerous Deadness."
He calls this one "The Craziness."
Monday, May 5, 2008
H e l p. M e .
To: Office Staff
Subject: Dusting Each Friday
I've put 10 boxes of Swifter Dusters on the large table in the front of the department. Each box contains one handle and 5 unscented disposable dusters. A box of additional disposable dusters is in the office supplies cabinet.
Can you please pick up the dusters and work out how you are going to dust the tops the work cubicle areas; I suggest doing it each Friday before you go home.
Before I go home today I'll go ahead and take a look at all the tops of the cabinets and dust anything that was missed. Last, I'll also ask the housekeeping person to clean them once really good in the next few days so the tops of the cabinets aren't that terribly awful. As you know, dusting the tops of the work cubicles and areas where PC's sit are not permitted.
Let me know if you have any questions.
To: Office Staff, Boss
Subject: Re: Dusting Each Friday
I'm confused. First you tell us to dust the tops of the work cubicle areas and then you say that dusting the tops of the work cubicles and areas where PCs sit are not permitted. Which is it?
To: Office Staff
Subject: Re: Re: Dusting Each Friday
Housekeeping can't dust the PC's and where they are located; they are not permitted to dust the tops of the cubicles.
I really wasn't clear in my last sentence, that's true.